


Was I My Best?

by Shadowcrawler



Category: Actor RPF, Dollhouse RPF, Jossverse RPF
Genre: Gen, Guilt, Introspection, Jealousy, Present Tense, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-27
Updated: 2011-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-20 18:39:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/215897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcrawler/pseuds/Shadowcrawler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joss picks "set favorites"; everyone knows that. It shouldn't have taken Amy by surprise, but it does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Was I My Best?

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Dollhouse 2x11.
> 
> I...I don't...I'm sorry, Amy. I'm sure you're a lovely person and I didn't write this to cast you in a bad light. The plot bunny just wouldn't leave me alone.
> 
> Also, the timelines might be a bit wonky (for instance, I'm not sure exactly how long a break Amy would've had between 2x01 and 2x11) so pardon me for that.

Amy’s not jealous; she’s not. She doesn’t get jealous. She loves Summer, really. Summer is wonderful, and Amy’s happy for her success. Actually, Amy feels an odd kinship in a way with the younger woman – what with their mutual dancing backgrounds and rags-to-riches stories (or, to put it more accurately, nobody-to-geek-icon stories), they really aren’t so different. Except, of course, that Amy used to be Joss’ favorite…and now she’s not anymore.

Oh, it was never outright stated on the _Angel_ set – occasionally one of the boys or Charisma would tease her about it when they went out for drinks and Amy would blush and laugh and dismiss it all. But there was no denying that Joss had a particular…affection for her. She started to suspect it around the ballet episode, where he’d asked her to dance for the first time in so long. It was no secret that Joss loved ballet, loved the movements and the angst and tragedy always present in the stories, but it seemed rather _odd_ that he would base an entire episode around a two-minute fantasy sequence (especially since it got cut out – which was a real pity, since she and Alexis had had a blast filming it) that had no connection to the episode’s plot. Then later, watching the episode on DVD with Joss’ commentary playing, she’d heard the glowing praise Joss had for her and flushed scarlet red with embarrassment. (The most beautiful thing he’d ever put on film…well, any girl would start to think things when their directors told them things like that, wouldn’t they?) And somehow she understood innately that he didn’t mean the comments as anything other than one human expressing admiration for another human; after all, she knew he loved Kai deeply and no woman would ever take her place in his heart. Yet…

...Well, there was no way to say it but bluntly. If Joss hadn’t been in the position he was in, his behavior would’ve sounded like a lovesick fanboy’s. Though to be fair, she hadn’t had any inappropriate or disrespectful fan encounters in all the years she’d been a part of geek culture (for which she thanked her lucky stars) so it wasn’t like she had _personal_ experience to compare it to. It just seemed very odd, at times, how attached to Fred Joss was, how personally involved in her storylines, and then of course there had been the Illyria arc near the end where he’d gone to all the trouble to keep her on the show…

One way or another, she’d gotten used to all the compliments and ego-stroking Joss did around her, and since the rest of the cast never seemed to mind she happily resigned herself to being “director’s pet” and enjoyed it while it lasted.

But once it was over, she took pause to reflect on something. During the fourth season of _Angel_ , Joss had been off set more frequently due to his new show _Firefly_. Amy remembered hearing buzz about it, from Joss himself, Tim and other crew members, and somehow she managed to piece together that it was a sci-fi-western blend set in the future. She always meant to watch it, and in fact managed to Tivo the first couple of episodes, but after that her work schedule was so erratic and the network was so blasé about _Firefly_ ’s airtime that she gave up in frustration. Then of course they’d gotten the news on set: _Firefly_ , Joss and Tim’s new baby, was cancelled. Amy remembered feeling a mixture of sympathy for her friends, regret that she hadn’t tried harder to watch it, and (she hated herself for this) just a bit of excitement because it meant Joss would come back to _Angel_.

It wasn’t till after _Angel_ had also got the axe that Amy finally sat down with the box set of _Firefly_ – coincidentally, while Joss and the cast were filming the movie _Serenity_. From the first few lines of the pilot Amy could tell two things: 1) this was, in a way, Joss’ baby even more than _Buffy_ had been, and 2) it had been cancelled for being too smart for the average viewer. Here was a show that (as all of Joss’ did) required the viewer to _pay attention_ and perhaps exercise their mind a bit to understand what was going on onscreen. She sat back, smiling, as the opening credits rolled.

The credits contained several familiar faces: Nathan from _Buffy_ , whom she’d met at one of Joss’ gatherings (and had flirted harmlessly with her for several minutes before he’d noticed the ring on her finger and hastily apologized), Gina and Adam of course, and…wasn’t that the little ballerina from the _Angel_ episode she’d danced in, so long ago? Well, Joss could always be trusted to provide work for his friends; that was one of the reasons she loved and respected him so.

As it had with millions of fans around the world, _Firefly_ had grabbed onto her heart and not let go. In particular, she empathized with Kaylee – though it was obvious that Joss had merely taken the character of Fred and tweaked her a bit (not that Amy minded). It did seem a bit odd that the show focused so little on River, and yet she was one of the most compelling characters – not least due to Summer Glau’s performance, which was entirely different from the cursed ballerina she’d played.

She couldn’t help but notice that the camera seemed to _love_ River…the same way that so many had told her it loved her, Amy. That was odd. Then again, it wasn’t as if she had ownership over looking good on-camera. It did give her a funny feeling when she thought too much about it, but she pushed it aside.

It wasn’t until she attended the premiere of _Serenity_ that she remembered that feeling. It was wonderful seeing Joss again and meeting (or reconnecting) with the cast, who were clearly a tight-knit bunch. (Nathan in particular had had a mischievous twinkle in his eye when he shook her hand; clearly he remembered their last meeting even if he was too polite to bring it up in front of the others.) Summer in particular seemed ecstatic to be there, and her shock and joy were present in her face. Later in the evening Amy heard her whisper to her costar Sean Maher “I can’t believe this is really happening!”

Amy watched her the entire evening; watched her reactions to the screaming, cheering crowd and autograph seekers, to the paparazzi yelling questions and flashing their cameras, and especially her interactions with Joss. There must have been a dozen times during the evening when she stood next to him for a picture, arm around his waist and a dazzling smile on her face. And she watched Joss watch her – he seemed unable to take his eyes off her most of the time. Granted, she couldn’t blame him. Summer had a real presence to her that Amy hadn’t seen often: one had the feeling, watching her, that she was not strictly “of this earth”, so to speak. But still, there was a niggling thought at the back of her mind that refused to leave no matter how hard she tried to push it back: _She’s his new favorite. You’ve been replaced._

 _Silly, you can’t be replaced if you weren’t something in the first place_ , she told herself, and ignored the thought as best she could. But for a long time afterwards her thoughts kept wandering back to that concept – Joss had a new favorite, and it wasn’t her.

Then life moved forward, and so did she. Other movies and shows came along, with casts and crews full of talented and lovely people, but never anything quite like _Angel_. One day she gets the call: Joss has a part for her. It was originally meant for an older woman but nobody has come forward who is right for the role and would she like it? She has to turn away from the phone and bite down on her lip so she won’t squeal from sheer joy. It’s one of the happiest days of her life.

 _Dollhouse_ is a great gig, and she genuinely enjoys everyone on set. Eliza is delighted to see her again after so long, greeting her on her first day with a bear hug so tight that it takes Amy a few minutes to catch her breath properly afterwards. She gets used to this almost too quickly, this warm feeling of belonging in this ever-growing family.

Of course life would come to spoil her fun. Canceled. Amy’s been canceled before, of course, but it’s never felt quite like this. This feels like a premature death, like a life that’s only just begun has been snuffed out. And of course Joss will finish this story; he’s made them a promise with “Epitaph One” and he’ll see that promise through. Amy’s almost unbearably sad when she receives the news that her last day of filming is long before most of the others’. This family is breaking apart too soon.

She knew Summer Glau had been filming a couple of episodes for the second season, though of course she hadn’t been on set at the time. So it comes as a surprise when she gets the script and sees that her character Whiskey has a scene with Summer’s character Bennett. “Scene”…that was certainly a vague way of putting it. More like “brutally shot her in cold blood.”

It wasn’t like she hadn’t played a killer before; in fact, she was getting a little tired of playing the bad guy. She secretly missed Fred sometimes, even if she hadn’t been terribly interesting in comparison to, say, Whiskey. Being evil all the time was honestly getting kind of _boring_. And she knew, based on how the fans reacted to anything Summer was in, that she might get a lot of hate-mail for this.

Yet…she couldn’t deny she was _excited_ about playing this scene. She couldn’t understand why – normally she felt guilty if she even stepped on an ant. Despite her tendency to play violent and bloodthirsty people, she wasn’t violent and bloodthirsty. This eagerness was very out-of-character for her, and it was unsettling.

Shooting the episode was like coming home again. After weeks away from the _Dollhouse_ set, she couldn’t be happier to come back to it. And then of course there were the happy butterflies in her stomach when she thought about _the scene_ …

Summer remembers her, not just from the _Serenity_ screening but from _Angel_ all those years ago. She seems a little bit in awe of Amy, which Amy at once finds endearing and silly – after all, she may have been in the business longer but Summer has had some amazing experiences in such a short time. She’s so different from her character: warm where Bennett is standoffish, and with a strange air of innocence about her where Bennett has grown jaded. So Amy feels guilty about her secret excitement – it’s not like this sweet young woman is to blame for Joss’ attentions, is it?

And before she knows it, the scene is upon them. Fran teases Summer just before the cameras roll: it’s their big kissing scene after all, did she remember a breath mint? Summer giggles and blushes and Amy wonders if she’s ever filmed a kissing scene before.

Here she goes. She decided long ago that her character, while not in love with Topher like the theories in some fan discussions she’s read seem to think, is deeply hurt by Topher and wants to see him hurt just as much. But there’s a second, more personal layer to the calculating way she plays the scene, the way every word she says is weighted and heavy with meaning: “He’s in love with you.” Yes he is; he may not be entirely aware of it and it’s not in a romantic way, but Joss loves Summer. He loves her the way he loves – _loved_ – Amy, and he still loves Amy, but she knew when she saw how the camera tracked River and how his eyes followed Summer’s every move at the premiere and how he watches her now, a half-smile on his face like he’s lost in a dream. Like Claire, she’s been replaced. She’s not Number One anymore. And in a perverse way, because of that she relates to Claire now more than she ever has.

It wouldn’t be a lie to say that pulling the trigger, and seeing Summer fall down so quickly – _it’s just for pretend but it feels so good_ – was one of the most enjoyable moments of her life. _I try to be my best._


End file.
